How Fitness Fuelled My Confidence

To set the scene, I was far from confident as a child. Intelligent, polite, well-mannered, but incredibly timid. 

I excelled in the classroom, top sets in all subjects, good grades, incredible curtains (that’s a haircut, I didn’t walk around wearing curtains!) – I know, what a catch, hey!?

But I was so very shy, especially with new people. 

Around my closest friends, of which I had a small group, I had more confidence but would still likely be the last one to be noticed or speak out.

However, there was one place that I felt particularly comfortable, and confident…on the football pitch! I loved football! I would play at every opportunity. I’d be at school an hour early just to be kicking a ball around the playground before lessons. Every break time, lunch time, after school, all of my time away from my studies would be spent playing football, whether alone or with friends!

And I was good…really good! The first time I got a sense of how good I must have been was when I was in Year 2, so perhaps 6 years old. Now, back in Primary School, I think it tended to be only years 3 and 4 that ever played competitively against others schools, often as a mixed age team, but only those two years! 

So, when I was asked to play in that team of year 3 & 4s, as a year 2, I knew something must be working!

I don’t recall too much else from those Primary school days actually, but my parents tell stories of certain matches or tournaments and I would regularly bring home the ‘Top Scorer’ or ‘Player of the Tournament’ trophy!

I’m not sure exactly on the timing or age I was (maybe 9 years old) but my next experience of finding out that I had something was at a summer football camp put on by Ipswich Town FC, my nearest professional club. It was just one of those standard 1-2 day events that parents paid for as much to keep us kids occupied as anything else during that endless 6 week holiday!

So I go along with many other of the local kids from our estate, as it was being held just around the corner from our house on a local field. I just put my boots on and those metal studs clicking away along the pavement as I was so eager to get straight to it!

And that was that, being put through a series of drills and having fun kicking the ball about, being taught new skills, standard stuff! 

And then, I think perhaps after the first day, when my parents came to pick me up, the coaches called them to one side and asked how old I was. A little surprised that I was so young, they promptly told my parents that if I kept playing the way I was, Ipswich Town FC would be interested in taking me on when I was old enough next year! 

My fear of meeting new people also very nearly led to my football career ending no sooner than it had begun! I must have been about 9 or 10 years old, perhaps having just left Primary School to attend Middle School (I was in a three tier system in my local area), which meant that the weekend training/matches came to an end and, if I wanted to carry on playing, I would need to find a Sunday League team to join.

I’d grown very comfortable in those surroundings and familiar faces and to a quiet, shy kid, being comfortable was everything to enable me to excel.

My Dad had seen an ad in the paper for a big open day for several new local teams looking to start up in preparation for the formation of a new league and he knew that’s where I needed to be to keep playing and get those Ipswich scouts’ attention!

I was PETRIFIED. Slightly hazy memory but I can imagine the fear and panic. Having to be coerced into the car, and then out again. Walking hand-in-hand with my dad up to Hardwick Heath, an enormous space that had about 6-8 football pitches side-by-side, all of the new clubs having at least half a pitch to themselves. And that meant A LOT of people! Kids, parents, dogs, the works! And my anxiety just kept increasing with every step I took towards the club my dad had, I assumed, contacted to let them know that I would be coming to try out!

I actually don’t know why it was that team that was chosen. A couple of my closer friends at the time also went for trials, which settled my nerves slightly, and I have zero recollection of the day itself, but that club, Sicklesmere Tigers, became my team for the next 2 seasons!

I must have soon settled after those initial nerves as I went on to score over 100 goals in those two seasons and even netted 13 in one game (I think I had about 6 or 7 in the first half and my manager told me to stop taking the piss, but I couldn’t help it, I just wanted to be the best)!

Ipswich Town’s attention was grabbed! And I was offered a place at their School of Excellence not so long after starting with the Tigers, which meant a couple of additional training sessions each week, while continuing to train and play for my Sunday League and school teams! 

Ipswich was another minefield for me. More new people, most from all manner of places across East Anglia, some of which I got to know a little better through playing against them in my Sunday games, but I found it very difficult to get truly comfortable there, just not enough time to find close friends and that comfortable space I needed.

Three events followed which turned my world upside-down!

At the tender age of 12-13 part of the process of playing for Ipswich Town’s School of Excellence was that you had to stop playing for your Sunday League club, the place I had really found my home and was loving my football! I had a choice to make…take up the opportunity of a lifetime that might allow me to play the sport I love as an actual career, in spite of all the fears inside me about not knowing people, not feeling comfortable and the nerves I felt each and every time I went to train or play with ITFC. Or, say no to opportunity and remain comfortable.

I opted for challenge, I said yes to ITFC. This was my chance to become the professional footballer every young kid dreams of!

So, you think that this would be one of the happiest moments of my life right??

My closest friends at that time were two lads that I went to school with, played Sunday league football with and pretty much did everything with.

They should have been absolutely thrilled for me! For their closest friend being given the opportunity of a lifetime, grasping it with both hands and potentially doing the thing we all dreamed of…how wrong I was!

In fact, not only were they not thrilled, they couldn’t have been further from elated. I immediately became the butt of all their jokes. I was ridiculed, harassed, mocked, called names, you name it, they did it to me!

My frail confidence…absolutely in pieces! Gone!

At a time when I needed support the most, the two people I thought I could rely on turned on me, and to this day, I still don’t know exactly why they did what they did, but I do know that jealousy is an awful character trait to have!

Do I hold a grudge? No, we were kids, and we probably didn’t really know any better to be honest.

Have I spoken to them since? No, I made a decision on that day to distance myself from negativity. I hope they’re different people now, I hope they’ve found peace with whatever it was that meant they acted the way they did.

That was the first event, losing my two closest friends in pursuit of success!

The second came about a year later!

After one season of playing solely for Ipswich Town (and the school as they weren’t allowed to prevent you playing for the school) I was told that I had not made enough progress over the previous 12 months for them to want me to continue.

A year after losing my best friends, I now felt like I had lost the other passion I had, football. I was now being told I wasn’t good enough! It wasn’t a huge surprise. I really didn’t enjoy my time there. I wasn’t having fun and I felt like I had gone more and more into my shell, wanting to hide away from everyone.

I didn’t react very well, regardless. Cried (a lot), took a good bit of time away from football as I simply couldn’t find the passion for it that I once had any more.

Again, I’m not sure exactly how the next steps unfolded but I ended up signing for my Sicklesmere rivals, the Lions! I knew quite a few of their players, either through being at school together or having played against them at various points, so perhaps one or two of them reached out to see if I was looking for a new club. Anyway, whatever happened, I signed for them!

And I was enjoying football again. Scoring goals, having fun, finding some new friends that shared my passion for the game!

I think it was during this time that I also moved to Upper School.

I found myself in a whole new world! Changing schools is weird. You go from being the oldest at one school, having grown in confidence and stature, to being the youngest in a matter of weeks! My shyness was kicking in again, just as I was beginning to feel a little more at ease! 

I ended up getting to know a group of teens that all lived on my estate, a mixture of those in my year and the year or two above. And we would all hang out more and more, during and after school, at weekends, whenever! And it was a group that had developed some habits, as many experience at some point, of drinking and smoking. I wanted to fit in. I had found a group of people whose company I enjoyed so of course I wanted to do what they were doing!

I genuinely don’t know how my time at Sicklesmere Lions came to an end. I may even have just decided at the end of one season that I’d had enough. The team may have ceased. I just don’t remember. Making it pro wasn’t going to happen, so I wasn’t interested anymore!

So I had a year or two of just being a bit of a nightmare, for which I apologise to my parents as they were never anything but supportive! My dad doesn’t drive, and I’m one of 4 brothers, which meant that my mum would ferry me around EVERYWHERE to play football and I had repaid them by giving it all up!

I’d be out drinking, smoking, pushing the boundaries of when I had been told to come home! Causing my parents no end of worry, completely unnecessarily! But I guess I needed to vent and it has helped shaped the person I am today, so I wouldn’t take it back!

During one of those drunken evenings, a couple of my friends, who were still playing Sunday league for a team managed by their dad, convinced me to sign for them! 

I’m not sure how legally binding that contract was ;)

So I signed for Bury Town. I can’t say I was giving it the full attention it deserved but it got me up and out on a Sunday morning, often with a bit of a sore head!

Cue the third of those events!

One Sunday, in full flow towards goal, ball at my feet, I stumble. Left knee goes one way, the rest of me the other way! The pain is pretty bad, let me tell you!

But, in true Sunday league style at that age, 15-16 years old, we had no substitutes! The managers son had already come off with an ankle injury so I was told to play on…”run it off” are the usual words of encouragement!

But after only a few minutes attempting to “run it off”, I couldn’t carry on, I could barely walk!

A consultation with the doc, scans etc at the hospital and key-hole surgery revealed that I had ruptured my ACL (anterior cruciate ligament) and torn my MCL (medial cruciate ligament)!

Reconstructive surgery came about 12-18 months later, then rehabilitation and that is what ultimately led me to the gym, and to discover my passion for health and fitness, and the desire to help others.

So what are the messages here, I hear you ask!? 

In life, we will face adversity. It will happen. We don’t know where or when, but it will inevitably take place one or more times. It is how we respond to that adversity that shapes who we are!

My initial response to seek success in football, playing for ITFC, in spite of all my fears and doubts showed my determination and passion for something I loved.

My friends rejecting me could have dissuaded me, changed my mind. But I wasn’t prepared to sacrifice my dream for others jealousy.

Sometimes you might be required to remove negativity from your life in order to become better! You might lose some friends in the process. But those cannot have been true friends in the first place if they were prepared to be so dismissive of you, your goals and your passion!

Surround yourself with nothing but positivity and support!

When I ruptured my ACL, it could have given me a reason to completely go off the rails, fall further into the alcohol, and potentially drug cycle, which many of my friends had begun dabbling in, and spiral out of control.

But instead, I used it to fuel my desire to change my life. I spent about 2-3 weeks with minimal movement, strong painkillers and A LOT of time to think! I vaguely recall watching all of the Alien films!

I didn’t want this to be me. I wanted to be back active again. I had not long turned 17 and wanted to learn to drive, to have my freedom.

OK, football may not have been the outlet but I needed physical challenge back in my life, and that came in the form of physiotherapy and subsequently bodybuilding.

The moment my knee had recovered enough, I learnt to drive. I pretty much stopped drinking and smoking there and then (and I know that sounds a little odd as I was still just 17 at this stage). I was hitting the gym with more and more regularity, loving how I was feeling and looking, learning more and more about the body, my muscles, nutrition and falling in love with all things health and fitness.

Challenge - physical, mental and emotional, ultimately makes us stronger if we can learn from it and develop the skills required to use it for positive reasons.

And that is why I am also such a big believer in personal development. Without learning about ourselves, understanding out boundaries and challenging our limits, we simply won’t grow. And I am not prepared to standstill or wilt!

The gym provides so much more than physical changes too. It instils discipline, provides a positive outlet for emotion, can offer an escape from the world and a community of people all striving to become a better version of themselves.